Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
