At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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