He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
