I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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