I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
