I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
