I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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