I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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