bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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