First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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