I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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