So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
