I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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