Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
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