from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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