First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
