anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
