its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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