So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
ttyl tear gas
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
