my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
