Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Randomize
