who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
