There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
it's great music for shaving your balls
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
