Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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