exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
