Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
