ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
