You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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