you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
