We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
