I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
