I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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