Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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