dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
