Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
