Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
