I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
