how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
