We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
