Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
