Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
