i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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