Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
