i already hear my dad disowning me
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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