hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
