so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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