i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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