so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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