worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
