I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
a search helicopter?!
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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