why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
